9.10.2002 :::
 
I suppose it would be easier to ascertain my heart's position if I could know something for certain. The perpetual ambiguity I'm immersed in every time I see a female friend is extremely disheartening. If I could know any future romance is purely fictitious, I could finally silence the incessant whisper of possibility. Ben insists I could find a match quickly were I regularly enrolled at CSU, but I can't help doubting it. From what I've seen thus far of campus life, it's naught but high school on a greater scale. Logically, the few prospects I discovered in high school would proportionally increase, but would be much more difficult to locate in a sea of 10,000 divas. In addition, my inherent shyness would most likely supercede any prospects I might encounter.

Relatedly, my self-confidence endured a savage blow a few days ago. I researched a popularly-acquired "top ten" list regarding looked-for qualities in a mate. A desirable body type was the highest priority, with good hair and a good job ranking close behind. The only quality I possess significant ability in on the list was creativity, which was ranked last. Thus, popular opinion deems my case all but hopeless, and it is to the public I must make my bid.

At least this research answers the long-standing question of why I am alone. This controversy is at last laid to rest, but in its place a greater monolith rises: how can things ever change? My physical appearance will only deteriorate, decreasing the already infinitesimal potential I do possess. As public acclaim and personal experience both testify, internal qualities will succeed in making close friends with members of the opposite sex who would never see beyond what is into what could be.

A perfect example of such blindness is my friendship with Breanne. She has told Josh of her desire for a romantic, thoughtful guy who would think of her as he did Julia. A longing to treat a lady with such love and respect has long been foremost in my heart, yet she has never considered a relationship with me beyond what is. Such a paradox is irreconcilable to my logical mind, leaving me in a quandary.

::: posted by Peter at 16:30