1.04.2003 :::
 
Seeing Melissa brought joy and hope unlooked-for to my heart. In addition to the sheer awe of having someone I respect so much genuinely care about what I'm going through, it was a forgotten joy to realize my mere presence can brighten someone's entire day. Living in solitude brings forgetfulness about such things, and it was wonderful to remember them again.

Better by far, however, was the truth I finally realized after talking with her about her experiences in Hurlach: God loves me unconditionally. I had always understood this logically, but it had failed to breach the walls of fear and mistrust surrounding my heart. My experience dictates love must be earned and will be lost at the first failure. Fearing further disappointment, I projected this human-made template of behavior on an inhuman, infinite God. I strove to be completely self-sufficient, needing no-one's love to survive, but despair was the only reward for my efforts. The concept of unconditional love was completely foreign to me, and I chose not to believe in it for fear of discovering it to be a cheat. Only after seeing Melissa again, seeing the life in her eyes, her actions, her very being, did I begin to think it could be real.

Perhaps what fascinates me most, however, is this: despite all the years it took for God to get through to me with this truth, He isn't angry or frustrated. He's not going to belittle me for being so incredibly dense. He's unspeakably happy. The years I wasted don't matter to Him. He's simply overjoyed I understand and wants to take me to the next step. I can't pretend I'm not the slightest bit afraid, but I think perhaps braving this fear might be worth it this time.

::: posted by Peter at 11:55