3.08.2003 :::
 
I have started thinking trust is just an invitation to betrayal. Only those you trust can betray you. I've long held the suspicion, however unfounded, that people only are friends with me until someone better comes along. Certainly Rachel's actions after finding Luke speak truth to this thought. She told me at graduation she "couldn't bear the thought of losing me," then proceeded to effectively ignore me until she left for Australia. She e-mailed me a few times, inquiring after my life, and when I told her I was mired in despair and darkness, she idly replied she hoped I found hope soon. This, along with the realization I am merely an afterthought to everyone else in my class as well, despite all claims to the contrary, has destroyed my faith in people. I never want to trust another human again.

Becca Consuela from Vagrant tried to give me "a kick in the butt" tonight over AIM, but I'm afraid her efforts were in vain. I know myself better than anyone, and therefore am the best judge of whether I am hopeless. I'm beyond all aid. No amount of work can repair the twisted remains of the life I destroyed with my foolishness. I don't want to get up and move, because if I do, I will only fall again, and it will hurt worse than last time. I am tired of pain. I am tired of having my heart broken. I am tired of betrayal. I am tired of living. Whatever fleeting happiness life may bring simply isn't worth it. I am a prisoner of a life I don't want. I cannot escape, and I cannot trust to hope. It has forsaken me.

::: posted by Peter at 23:05

3.02.2003 :::
 
I realized something recently: love brings pain. It is impossible to have love without it. To love, one makes oneself vulnerable to the person loved. The deeper the love, the deeper the vulnerability. The person loved, being a flawed, imperfect creation, will invariably do things, accidental or intentional, which hurt the lover. If the love is true, the pain is worthwhile. Indeed, sometimes such pain can be beautiful. Certainly Jesus' pain on the cross was such. Nothing proves His love more than saying, "Yes, I will do even this for you." Pain borne for love is perhaps the most beautiful thing the human heart is capable of understanding, yet the sweetness of such genuine love makes such burdens light. The knowledge of bearing pain so the loved one need not is such a wonderful thing.

::: posted by Peter at 00:30