7.18.2003 :::
 
Having just watched Daria's Is it College Yet? has once again put me in a pensive mood. I fear I'm only being redundant at this point, however.

What struck closest to home was the breakup of Tom and Daria. Daria expressed sentiments very much akin to my own when I broke up with Susie. The prospect of having to do something like that again frightens me, yet I know now it's an unavoidable risk in my inexorable quest for love and beauty. Somehow, I believe my increased understanding of myself and the world will make the next time (provided the price must once again be paid) more bearable. Not more bearable, perhaps, but at least more worthwhile. What I experienced with Susie, while certainly worthwhile, was, in retrospect, childish and naïve. The want of true substance in the relationship, which I only realized at the end, made the breakup all the more painful and seemingly meaningless. I can only hope any future relationship I experience will not be so devoid of quality.

Who am I kidding? My relationship with Susie was the epitome of childish stupidity. I was considering marriage to a girl I'd known for less than a year when I was only 15. Drunk upon the romanticism I had bitterly nursed, I eagerly saw our puppy love as a sublime impartation from the throne of God Himself. I gorged myself on the inane “expressions” of our love, which usually amounted to circular arguments over who loved the other more. I suppose there is a time and place for such silliness in Eros, but when it is the primary foundation of the relationship, said relationship is ultimately futile.

I fear, however, this wisdom born of experience will not be enough to sustain me in a healthy relationship. Simply because I know one way relationships fail doesn't mean I have the key to making them succeed. Edison could describe six thousand ways to make a light bulb that didn't work.

::: posted by Peter at 14:23