8.22.2002 :::
 
I realized tonight I do not even consider the possibility of someone truly caring for me as anywhere close to reality. The idea of a woman only wishing to take the pain and brokeness in my heart and replace it with love is a complete absurdity to me. Why should anyone care, though? My life is not so valuable that others should strive to make it better. Why should they devote any of their precious time and energy to help such a lost cause as I? I cannot fathom why my Lord chose my life over His. What did He see in me that was worth dying for? Was it simply because I bring Him joy by my very existence? Does He wish no more than to be with me? A laughable conclusion, as my experience dictates love only comes through usefulness. If I can do something for someone, they will love me, but not until. I have never demanded such things in return for my love, but perhaps I am an oddity in this regard as well.

I also determined the reason I was denied Dana's love: I am unattractive. She is dating one with whom I share many internal qualities, but he is more desirable in a girl's eyes. So much of my past history is explained. If only I were more handsome, I would not be alone. I am told I possess many worthy qualities by those much older than I, which I deem high praise. However, such virtues go unknown for my unseemly appearance. Thus I am well-acquainted with Cyrano de Bergerac. The diamond of our spirit is hidden within the dung-heap of our flesh.

::: posted by Peter at 00:05