4.16.2003 :::
 
I am perhaps one of the only people on the planet to view inexplicable excitement and (dare I say it?) joy as irritating. Of late, these strange moods will often beset me, and I've no idea what to make of them. It is a kind of nervous excitement akin to what one feels when beginning a new job or going on a first date. I don't mind it terribly. It's certainly pleasant to feel something other than a dead weight in my heart. What concerns me are its roots: the origin of these moods is a complete mystery to me. As such, I'm afraid of it. My heart invariably equates this feeling with disappointment, as my experience knows nothing else to follow it. However, since this particular excitement has no known source, it is fundamentally different from any other in my experience, adding a feeling of hope. Consequently, my emotional landscape has been extremely nebular. This odd civil war is a welcome change to the totalitarian rule of despair, but the uncertainty of the outcome has me uneasy. Time will tell.

::: posted by Peter at 21:35